The Thing about ‘Definition’…..

I am all for defining my people connections upfront (DTRs) …… The thing about them though is that they are tricky……. Too soon, and you run the risk of permanently pulverizing some real bridges before they even get built…….. Too late, and you’re mired in the morass of the ‘just friends’ zone…..

That night we had the inevitable talk and faced the ineluctable moment of truth….. Faced with a choice she said…..

You’re a good guy but….. why does life have to be sooo difficult?

Maybe that DTR was too early…or it was a classic case of DeBee’s Law:

The refusal to define is tacit admittance that there was nothing to define in the first place or a nascent dislike of that which was to be defined.

In retrospect, she was right.. …There were too many yawning chasms that needed crossing!

36 thoughts on “The Thing about ‘Definition’…..

  1. Yay! Am first. Even though I dont undastand (maybe cos I am new to this blogging thing) why pips like to be the first to comment – . What does DTR mean and why does this post seem as if it is in cipher

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  2. Awww, yes defining your relationships can be a tricky thing, which is why people are so scared to do so. But DeBee's law allows you at least to save a lil' face and prtend the awkwardness never existed. It's better than a big fat refusal in ur face!

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  3. awwww i so get what you are trying to say in such a coded way – which is rather cute….and i agree with defining it upfront as well, it saves u future embarrassment…p.s. i am stealing that line

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  4. @ sagacious j – being first is like winning a race. Exhilarating! Added a hyperlink that clarifies what a DTR is. Not sure about the ciphee thing though.

    @nsoromma – true! Gives a valid escape clause right there!

    @neefemi – lol. Feel free!

    @ n.i.m.m.o – this is from way back actually. We stayed friends after that but it was never the same. In fairness to her, she was the more sensible one tho, there were real issues that needed to be resolved.

    @rose- true, life is a gamble anyways. We have to keep rolling the dice!

    @tisha – valid question at the time.

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  5. DTR- Define the Relationship

    Haha, funny enough, i just had a similar conversation with someone about how he might have DTR'd wayyy too early. Didn't know there was a term for it…hmmm

    I like the first part of Debee's law, not sure i agree with the latter part.

    Ah well…they say everything happens for a reason and usually in retrospect.

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  6. i love deebee's law:)….i'd rather skip the DTR part though. defining spoils it all, cos then i'd have to give the "i like you but…….., lets be friends?" speech…and they get sulky, they no longer want to have those long meals out, or be my escort to plays, fall over themselves to make me laugh:(

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  7. Mhen ..i hate the but(s)..I believe an undefined relationship makes room for all sort of ish…and also being upfront and honest about it saves a lot of heartache like most already said..

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  8. in life… there comes a time where you have to cross the…but… bridge! lol…
    well some things like relationships, have to be defined… so that expectations are managed.. some things in life however, should never get a label, and just left to be..

    have a great weekend . 🙂

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  9. @repressed one — that's more like the point i'm trying to make that people walk a tight line in trying to define..

    @ fantasy queen — lol.. good for you if it works though.. i think there will be awkwardness anyway.. maybe it will not just be visible to the other party..

    @funkola – my friend and i say it cuts off a lot of collateral damage… I would be the first to admit that… definition is critical! nuff said..

    @ Myne — very well said.. I agree..

    @controversy — that is one point you and i can agree 100% on… lol

    @olaoluwatomi — yup.. it's either in black and white, or it's not.. no seeking subtle shades of meaning.. or unnecessary exegesis

    @Original Mgbeke — How early is too early? That is the million dollar question i guess…

    @tunrayo — awww.. sad.. hopefully, not too much damage was done.. it's a sad place to be in!

    @Trybes — true bro.. undefined leaves room for gamesmanship…which is probably bad for all concerned in the long run..

    @remi — i would agree 100%… and yes the but bridges force one to go back to the drawing board.. in this case the subject had valid concerns that moi was trying to gloss over..lol

    @Temite — yeah.. we could say that.. but i guess as long as the objective of the talk are to set the records straight, not to denigrate the other party. ultimate good is served…

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  10. Defining r/ships can be difficult, so sometimes i just opt for the easiest words 'let's just be friends…'. true! it can be difficult to chose a right time for it

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  11. DTRs can be tricky but I really believe that if people stay truly connected to themselves , they'll know whether the discussion is even required in the first place (as the individual in question has to prove him/herself worthy of the topic being brought up), or (if worthy of the of DTR discussion being brought up) when to have to have such a discussion.

    Hmnn! I tried my best to put what I had in mind into words here…..hope u get it.

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  12. LMAO@ Fabulola you are indeed having a blonde moment my dear! Wetin you no kon understand from the post ni? LOL

    DTR is very important. You know they need to be done when you start calling all the time, start asking more personal questions.. it needs to be said! I am getting to know you because I am trying to figure out if we can indeed be a match. simple and short! I loathe that word " we are just friends" Biko leave that thing! You're not my friend because if I wanted a friend Nkechi is there to call. I don't need any more friends.

    Tatababe: I disagree and here is why. Relationships these days need a CLEAR definition other wise na so you go dey "date" yourself without knowing it.

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  13. @hyaw — hmm.. if it works for both of you fine i guess… my 'experience' though is that lines need to be defined..
    @tatababe — hmm.. in theory you're right – people need to earn the right to be in the position to even be considered in the first place… and knowing how much is too much is a fine art…..
    @fabulo-la — lol…. all 'em greek blokes must be doing things in your dreams 😀
    @Nice Anon — LOL @ if i wanted a friend Nkechi is there to call……. Priceless… Liking your pragmatic definition… so if bloke starts asking for too much 'US time, he needs to clarify….

    Just to clarify o… I'm not saying definition is bad.. i think it is required…. and definition doesn't have to mean there is a relationship either — to me, definition is everyone knowing their boundaries (just friends vs. casual acquaintances vs potential options vs enemies sef!) and sticking within them…

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  14. DTR huh….i was thinking "deep tendon reflexes"

    Danny, see, why I say too much book "e no good". with all these big big grammar you were speaking there, I had to re read the post….carry time oo.

    You can never over look "the too many yawning chasms"; it always plays back in the mind

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  15. Bruv, I'm stuck in the exact same morass myself.

    Been waiting for a blooming definition for what seems like an eternity. Spectacularly frustrating, I tell you bruv. Sooo many variables [sigh]

    What can I say, you grin and bear it…

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  16. @ naijagirl.. ok o.. you wey go dey think 'deep tendon reflexes' nko? lol. Yes o.. major differences are always major differences.. unless solid action to close them are taken, they will always be show stoppers..
    @doug – life happens bro… my take is that no definition = definition in the negative by default.. no point holding onto nostalgic memories of what will never be..

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    • @doug — yup… sadly…
      @Solomonsydelle — valid question.. my take is that definition is always required – even if it is a decision not to define. Definition imposes clear limits on what can and cannot be, as well as provides a hopefully mutual framework within which the people who are relating can exist.. If there are no boundaries, my experience is that each party assumes something – which is usually different from what the other party has assumed…

      Thanks for stopping by..

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  17. I have been a victim of my stupidity in thinking something was there when it so was not, that I am now a fan of definition. In fact as I am walking down the aisle in my wedding dress I will still think we are just friends till I know different! In the words of Nice Anon, "you will be there dating yourself"!!!
    Ah! DannyB the stories I could tell!

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  18. @Caramel Delight – I suspect that we all have being 'guilty' at some stage… this ya method, too harsh o….
    @jabez — lol.. thanks..
    @Rita — Perhaps women are more likely to feel the brunt.. but trust me it happens to us all..
    @spesh — hey u… long hiatus you've been on.. welcome!

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  19. @ Nice Anon lol! but I concur with you, I'm just saying that the individual has to give me a reason to DTR, or if he has given me a reason to DTR then I/we've gotta figure out the timing for such a conversation. Otherewise we're just plain ol friends/acquaintances.

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