In which ‘Kasala’ nearly burst….

Kpekere was one of them typical razz waffy boys.. Clean shaven aside of a goatee, not too tall, legs slightly bowed and with rippling muscles under the skin tight tee-shirts he wore, he had a menacing look around him. He was suave in his own way though, waffy slangs rolled off his tongue like melting lollipops, enthralling us , especially when he chose to regale us with tales of his supposed exploits bunkering crude oil in the creeks. His skin was a very light shade of brown – a testament to a randy Portuguese ancestor back in the day. With lots of cash to spare, being a tough tackling no-nonsense central defender in the Department’s Football side added to the aura of hardman that surrounded him, and he used it to good effect.

He did lack one thing though, which was a commitment to serious study. Too many runs meant that he was distracted, and the never ending stream of campus belles didn’t do his focus any good either especially as he spent quite a bit of time hosting his considerable harem in Buka One. He did however, do enough to pass examinations – ably assisted by the real Google Wave – friends collaborating to seamlessly deliver in examination halls as well as a generous helping of chukuli, bullets, cargo and exam answers tatooed on the inside of palms.

Final year came eventually though, and the sudden realization that the final grade was important hit every one. From the happy-go-lucky students like yours truly who focused more on finding the minimum effort required to get borderline alphas to the clearly uninterested students like Kpekere, we all trooped to tutorial after tutorial.

One fateful day, Kpekere joined in a discussion on Thermal Power Systems, proceeding to be very obvious in the process. The tension was palpable, alphas on this exam were about as regular as PHCN delivering – and a few of the more serious efficos could be seen bristling with rage, angered by the perception that all Kpekere was was a distraction we couldn’t afford.  I, the ever willing student of human behavior, sat aloof sensing there would be a twist.

Up came the lead effico, a pretend Brit whose only claim to a Brit accent was spending three months in London while his father completed an MSc, to whom we gave the sobriquet Prof. His stated intent was to demonstrate to the class how to determine the optimum inter-stage pressure for perfect intercooling at the multi-stage compressors. After going through it the first time, he asked if every one understood.

Guy I no understand o.. How you take find that thing nah? Kpekere butted in, in his characteristic tone, in between teeth actively engaged in chewing gum. We could almost hear the sharp intake of air from Prof.

Can you ask your question in English please? Prof countered.

Guy, which level na? How you take find that thing o! Haba. Kpekere countered, arm motions indicating he was dismissive of Prof’s claim to needing a change of language.

Well, I’m serious here, If you don’t ask the question in English, I will be unable to dignify your question with an answer. Ebo! I muttered under my breath, totally enjoying the developing standoff.

Na your papa language sef? Make you take time o! Wetin dey do this small pickin sef! Clearly, Kpekere was getting animated. It was rumored that he knew people who knew people who could arrange things on this campus. Surely Prof would back down now?

We, all 60 of us,  were suddenly spectators in this battle of wits – the razz waffy boy, wey no send anybody vs the pretend Brit boy..

I insist, ask your question in English, Prof repeated, I thought I could detect a slight quake.

Na only you go better school abi? I no dey speak any English, wetin dey worry you sef ehn??? I go do you strong thing o! This boy, I go do you strong thing o.. . Kpekere was clearly livid and he marched down the stairs towards the front of the class where Prof was standing.  I could sense the tension reach sky high levels. We were caught in two minds – someone needed to put Prof in his place, but losing any more time in this course was not helping anybody.

Prof and Kpekere now stood eye to eye toe to toe, The stocky figure of Kpekere and the plump keggish stomach of the Prof defined the moment. Would there be a slap, or some shirt pulling…. Surely the Prof wouldn’t risk it..

Talk that nonsense wey you talk again make I hear, stewpid boy. Kpekere repeated.

You could have heard a pin drop! Both men stared each other down. I made up my mind and acted.

Guys, we don’t have time… Kpekere and Prof can you take your fight outside?, I interjected. I slipped a detailed solution to the problem into Kpekere’s hands.

Maybe speaking broke the spell, as the class suddenly came alive. Voices rising in a crescendo of placation.

Na your guy na, una wan’ fight cos of book. Life pass this school o! Prof stole one last glare and then turned and headed to his seat beside me..

He was trembling like a leaf in a harmattan gale!

33 thoughts on “In which ‘Kasala’ nearly burst….

  1. Lmao @ "-Ebo"… I can so see myself saying the exact same thing! Shuu na Prof first start to go school?, na those kind u dey here say on their way back from night reading some group of guys gather arrange (beat) e face…lol.

    9ja Uni. experience- Priceless!

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  2. LOL!!! hilarious-that was a good read. You for free dem na make kpekere do prof strong tin. Imagine the kain eba-ricement on guyman…u for free dem jo lol

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  3. hahahahaha. ha, I applaud Prof for not backing down; him and his fake accent and phoneee. ah! Kpekere. where i go find am now? Na the kind of people wey i dey like for my side. Dem dey get gist at all time, and the way dem dey take reproduce the gist go make you wonder. I love naija, i no go lie.

    wetin i go call you now? why you go break tension eh? Its a wonder that no one pounced on you, even if na fellow class mates. In any case, perhaps, prof and kpekere were individually praying that someone intervenes and saves the day, and am glad you did. At least no blood was shed that day, whether na profs or kpekere's or an innocent bystander.

    how was your exam? hope we are gonna ace this one

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  4. Aaarrgh!! RustGeek, whats with this look? It's not u! Your other layouts looked nicer and better…this one might scare people off with the dullness – unless u wanna add pics on it.

    Nice story by the way.

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  5. @funms-the-rebirth: Yeah — u were first… Live fight, no thanks.. The things we saw during live fights couldn't be allowed to happen to anyone a few months away from grabbing the degree…

    @Brokeass — LOL. U were second, by a whisker….. Ah.. thanks for the compliment. Guess its just a half-decent eye-witness account.

    @JustDoyin.. No mind the boy… He was banking on people intervening i guess.. Or maybe too much residual potato chips!

    @UnderCover07 — LOL.. U know every now.. Dem for dent that im blomblom face ehn!

    @BSNC — LOL.. Na true o… Small thing remain, Kpekere for match im face!

    @RepressedOne — LOL… The sand-sand wey dem pour for im reps for school after that day reach o!

    @Rose… U bet he was!

    @LG — LOL… My eye no wan see blood for night o.. I bind and I cast!!!!!

    @Buttercup/Nice Anon — That is all I can do remembering the whole scenario..

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  6. @Naijagirl — Mehn.. Kpekere dey everly get gist for boys o.. Kai… Plus one day he demonstrated with his forearm a nd a knife how it was impossible to stab him.. We dey respect the boy o…
    Exams were great — I expect to meet my stated objectives…

    @Solomonsydelle — LOL.. Thx.. True he needed some beating up.. But there was no means of ensuring it would be a measured beating up…

    @Afronuts — Was tryiong out some new CSS stunts I picked up.. Changed it to something less boring I hope..

    @Thirty+ — LOL./ No be small thing o..

    @Funmi — LOL…… I should have I guess……

    Thanks for sharing a laff peeps!

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  7. LMAO! I came here to yab u for doing this disappearing acts thing (Changing ur URL every other month) but I couldn't resist reading the post. I hope kpekere gets what's coming to him. razzoid! lol More power to the fake brit boy jare. People like that go far in life (hopefully he did)

    How u dey, uncle DB?

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  8. AWESOME , really awesome. I love the contrast of Profs English articulation, with Kpekere's pidgin, just goes to show the spectrum of people that come together in naija's Universities.

    Nigerians love to blow grammar, and Prof's English was more English than the English of the average Brit.

    Loved the Mexican stand off b/w the two of them, all that was missing was a harmonica , cock tower and some tumbleweed blowing by,lol

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  9. @tdva — LOL.. Thanks..

    @Nefertiti — LOL….. Being an age! Err.. I hope you updated your blogroll yet again..LOL..
    Fake Brit boy actually made it into one of dem oil companies in Nigeria and got transferred to Aberdeen for a bit.. So his agbari helped him go far in life o…

    @Oludascribe — LOL.. Thanks for stopping by…

    @Olu — Thanks a lot bruv…. Prof's English speaking obsession was on a whole other level mehn…..Greta blog you've got yourself.. Will run thru it in abit..

    Thanks peeps for stopping by

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  10. Bwahahahahha, dem for land Prof with one durry slap ehn…that britico accent for just fly out of hin mouth. Shuooooo….this story was pretty hilarious!

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  11. @Olaoluwatomi — Hmm.. Knowing 'kpekere' – there would have been blood as a minimum.. maybe not on the night.. eventually… The word around the school was he was into many things…..

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  12. Pingback: It depends… | A Bloke's Life

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