Just Toluwa claims to think in her language which I’d assume is Yoruba. I, Akpenvwoghene DB, think in Pidign English; not the rarified widely intelligbile variant as spoken by the Fine boy Agbero but the razz, crass variant, spoken in the creeks of the Niger delta where my progenitors trace their ancenstry to. A number of people have cast aspersions on my Pidgin English abilities, as well as the appropriateness or otherwise of my raz9ijaboi moniker. This should put an end to it forever! Enjoy
Storwwe, storwee, storwee. Once upon a time, time time,
I gats give thanksgiving o. For wetin Baba God do for me one day like dat when I still Univeristy o. One time like that, wen we dey 400 levels, we come dey hustle IT for oye kompini . Dem come talk say make we collect letter from school, go give the kompini, wether dem go fit find one koro make we for pam do the thing.
Me sef follow go kollet letter o. No be im as I come dey pass one ogbonge market like that one raz bobo come generally try bracket me (make I call am YeyeFowl). Im kom talk ‘ascuse me’ for wetin be like frensh. U no say as korrect bobo now, meself dey form say I code. Im come bring one tashere paper comot, come dey try ask wether i know one road like that.
Bobs, as I check the paper ehn, me no know the road o… I come tell the guy say I no know o.. As I come wan waka commot, na im one other yellow pawpapw paddi (YPP) come form bracketing the two both of us o.. Me never even still code wetin dey happen. Im come dey form some kain yarnz with Yeyefowl. Me just dey, dey look like lucozade, boya na jaxzz dem use take kolobi me sef me no know again. On a nomal level ehn, I suppose don jar tey. As dem come yarn finish YPP come tell me say Yeyefowl been bring things from Cameroun for one Alhaji Yaguda like that. But as the goods show, Alhaji no come get the moni so na to hail the goods come remain. Im come talk say make we go where dem hide the goods, make I see CD, TV, radio all those kain electronis dem. As dem mention CD, me self don begin dream na, how Stella wey dey carry nose for me before, go come know say I get CD player for ma room for off camp.
As we reach the place, YeyeFowl come talk say the paddi wey get the key no dey. But make we generally drink salt and water take seal the runs. If you see swear wey we swear that day ehn, even our enemy head no go fit collect am finish o. Me, a whole Akpenvwoghene follow drink o…Last last dem come talk say we gats bring money, all man come talk how muh dem go fit fit bring. Me wey jus’ hustle get one oye kompini scholarship like that from my mama village racket come talk say I go bring 50k… Feefty K for the year 2000 no be mai mai moni o…
No long tin, dem come talk say, make all man go hustle the moni come, say we go block for that same joint the next monday come divide the goods. God wey save me be say by that time the jazz don dey finish sha, so as sharp man concine, me come dey talk say I fr like reach town go collect moni form one uncle like that, but say i go bring the 50k for Monday. As I just jejely comot, I run enter bus sharply go my papa house go sleep gently o…
Ma people, na so gboogbomo for gbab me for my own town o, sake of say I wan collect CD player because of Stella. E ba mi ki Alleluia!
For the uninitiated: I was on campus trying to secure an internship placement at an IOC. On my way back with the letter, I passed by a busy market, where some scammers tried to rip me off by offering me a cheap CD player and then a share of profits of the sale of the remaining goods. I managed to escape eventually without parting with any significant amounts. Hence the ‘testimony’