Classified… Certified e-Akara maker required

Err… so all in one week – I grilled chicken to dryness and almost set off fire alarms, my diet has consisted only of spaghetti, chicken and chips, I woke up today craving/lusting for piping hot akara, and my mum has been on my case. So I am putting out a classified ad for a certified akara maker. Enjoy

Job Title: Certified e-Akara Maker
Req ID: JustDB-09-20/2011
Category: Multiple
Location: StuckVille, Limboland

Role Synopsis: A need for a Certified Akara maker has arisen at DB & Associates. Conventional wisdom suggests that the way to any client’s heart is the stomach. It is thus imperative that this position be filled on priority.

This position will involve the unearthing of rare culinary delights to complement the standard Nigerian suitcase of pap and akara, amala and ewedu, pounded yam, beans and dodo amongst others. This is anticipated to include extensive research work to source and ultimately verify in full scale tests, the suitability or otherwise of items to complement the basic suitcase offered. The role will require regular interaction with other members of the industry and will involve the adoption of best practices to ensure that consistently high levels of performance are maintained at all times.

Key Accountabilities:

  • Provide timely servings of aforementioned culinary delights as per agreed time lines and also upon demand provided a mutually agreed ‘minimum time to delivery’ is provided.
  • Provide ‘chew-chew’ on Saturday afternoons while football watching is ongoing as well as samples while the main items are being ‘cured’ to elicit feedback.
  • Manage Project expenditure within mutually agreed limits as bench marked against industry best practices.
  • Ensure project architecture is consistent with size and scale and takes into account the activities of ‘mini-me’s
  • Offer measured opinions on everything from apoplexy to zoology, be able to engage client on issues. Listen to complaints from Project Manager and provide considered advice on the way forward.
  • Accompany Project Manager on meetings with National operators and support claims with data to refute any frivolous arguments.
  • Offer complementary massages (and any other services required) as needed.

Essential criteria and qualifications:

  • Demonstrable evidence of Project Management skills NOT acquired in a live role
  • Culinary skills, or the ability to acquire them at short notice greater than 9.55 on the Gordon Ramsay
  • Project architecture skills greater than 8.75 on the Martha Stewart scale
  • Eye candy potential greater than 9.99 on the Halle Berry scale
  • Sufficient knowledge of football to be able to recognize Liverpool shirts as opposed to Man Utd or  Arsenal shirts.
  • Teamwork and interpersonal skills.
  • Emotional intelligence sufficient to detect subtle shades of moroseness and apply TLC to resolve them.
  • Dwarfs and Midgets need not apply.

Relocation available: Yes and desired.
Travel required: Yes, depending on initial location of successful applicant.
Is this a part time position: No
Renumeration: Competitive at start, performance- based for the duration of contract and indexed to the relevant industry benchmarks.
Projected Start Date: Pre-screening and field trials for successful candidates will commence in September 2009. It is anticipated that the full role will be awarded in time to commence 4Q2011.

Apply Within…

65 thoughts on “Classified… Certified e-Akara maker required

  1. I don't think I've ever been here?! But then again so many bloggers have changed their names/links since I left…
    Very funny post!
    If only I liked Akara or had the level of culinary skills required, I would have applied,lol. But em, you forgot to mention the benefits/salary for this job!!!LOL

    Like

  2. @funms — both you and confessions have not applied yet o!!! All this noise making is unofficial until you use the Meebo box — that is where the shortlist will be drawn up from LOL…
    @Nigeriandramaqueen — LOL.. Guess I've moved blogs thrice already all the way from blog-city thru blogger and now to wordpress….. Thx for stopping by….

    Like

  3. Hmmm, looks like this is the new 'plum job.' I'll forward you a coupl'a applications from some well-grounded e-akara producers that I know. . . September 2009 for screening and field trials? Man, you must have starved to death by then o. Bacdate to April in your own interest. . . Come to think of it, I haven't tasted akara in a while. I just might have that pleasure tonight.

    Like

  4. @Geebee — LOL…. Will be on the lookout for the applications in the mail…Go grab some akara bro… U never know what it is you have till you lose it man….

    Like

  5. @ Tigress, yes we can so sue his behind!
    @ Danny – dont u know that the law forbids discrimination in the workplace? u r to give all applicants a fair and equal playing ground. that means all midgets, dwarfs and Man U fans can apply!lol!

    … now that would be a sight!!

    Like

  6. @ lil' spider — LOL @ sue my behind.. Only my behind abi??? Rue we can't discriminate in the work place — but some workplaces are so serious that care is required inn selecting workers.. Surely you wouldn't hire Osama's cousin as an agent for the CIA.. discrimination or not? Its similar!

    Like

  7. Lol! Lol! This isnt an application for an akara maker u need a chef, househelp, financial planner, masseur, footballfan, etc etc u need more than one advert to receive all the above listed needs!

    Like

  8. Pingback: Job Application Agent….. - In Retrospect…..

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