Dept of Razness,
Faculty of 9janess,
University of Somewhere,
Someplace, SM5 10PL,
Date: Whenever this reaches you.
I write to table my most sincere wishes for this year’s Christmas tree to you. As you will most graciously remember, none of the things I asked for last year were delivered, possibly because some bully or some tall, dark and handsome dude (in the case of the wonderful girl down the road) hijacked them before they got to me. I understand your best efforts but would appreciate it if you could include some insurance on the postage to ensure I can at least put in a claim if the items get hijacked this year again.
If you could be so kind as to go through your records, you will realize that I have been a good guy this year. I stayed off alcohol and cigars as agreed last year; plus I was very generous to the needy people around me. The beggar on Somewhere street that I typically leave a couple of pence for each time I leave Primark will attest to this, as will the various children in Uganda and Tanzania that the change I drop off in the World Vision box at KFC has gone a long way to help through school. I also went out of my way severally to personally send money down to 9ja to take some kids off the street. Even you Santa will agree that this is a testament to my magnanimity and extreme devotion to the less privileged.
Unlike last year when I had a rather long list of requests, I only have a couple this year. First off I’d like for that dear young lady I’ve been “poking” on Facebook without any response to poke me back at least. I believe your powers include being able to log on to FB, but if they don’t I’m willing to let you have my password so you can really see how gorgeous she is and how well she fits the list of criteria I sent to you last year (I can resend them if your email system has auto-archived my original email or if you’ve just simply lost it). Better still if you can make her like me very much that will be just fine!
Secondly, I’d like to make straight A’s in my exams, while playing games on my laptop. Surely you have the password to the lecturer’s computer and can deliver the exam questions to me via my email address as listed above.
Thirdly, I’d like to get a brand new job in Canada. I’ve worked hard in 9ja but have had scant recognition for my extreme efforts. I’d like to try somme flexi-hours and see if it helps me better. Also I’d be much closer to you there and I can actually help you design a pipeline to transport all the gifts to people without stressing yourself that much. With the right process systems, I can even automate the process of loading the pipeline, linking it to your email inbox, so your wonderful reindeer can take a much needed rest.
Fourthly, my best friend Di, who you famously refused to allow me date, has had a baby and she’s feeling strained. I’d like it if you could make the kid cry less, so the young lady can get her strength back. Taking care of two little children is not easy.
Uncle Santa, I understand there’s a credit crunch and solving everybody’s issues may not be possible. If you have to prioritize, kindly remember that I’ve not had anything for Christmas in the past 10 years and I have lived an exemplary life in the past 1 yr. If I must have one request, kindly let it be my FB crush. At least if I am talking with her, my sorrow at not getting any other gift will be medicated. I can be reached via email if you require any further clarifications.